xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
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