season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
