he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
