I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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