I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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