this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
