Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
