I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
