I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
