to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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