You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
two words: eviction party
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
