I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
