You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
