I just threw up on my dentist
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
