Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize