so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
