I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
