Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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