why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
