i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
