I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
