I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
