yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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