I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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