Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
