so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
