i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
