Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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