Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
