There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
