He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
