dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
