My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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