I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
