you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
All I want is dick and wine.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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