I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
