I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
