do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
