i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I am naked and annoyed.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He shit in the fireplace
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
