and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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