Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
