she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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