My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
