Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
