this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
