The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Ladies don't puke and tell
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
