P.S. I can't hear my feet
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
