As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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