Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
