You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
