How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
