My sheets look like a crime scene.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
This is the high leading the old right now
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
