the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Come see our sink grown plant.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
