Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
