My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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