I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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