I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
