Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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