I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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