I'm gonna have a badass scar
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
