thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
they're like a gay fantastic four
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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